fall is not cooperating; i need a milkshake
The stalling of cool whether is beginning to agitate and demoralize me. Eighty degree days in October, days of inescapable and intense sunshine, are simply not right. In these conditions, the imagination does not have to work very hard to conjure destructive images of global warming and a future in which my child may never know the joy of wearing a sweater. At least, that’s the fear. This is Indiana, I tell myself, and winter will come. But why not fall??? Fall, fall, where are you??
To make matters worse, Jeff and I were chosen to be building representatives for the duration of this semester. This is not the privileged leadership position it sounds like. They say if you live in the married student housing long enough, this lot will fall you eventually, and I think it has fallen to us so soon, only because two other families in our building just had babies. I am not good at rallying people together for group events and enciting community enthusiasm. I sent out an e-mail to everyone in my building and so far only one person has responded, and I didn’t even want to send out the e-mail in the first place, but I had to make it sound cheerful.
I am trying to be a good household manager and can’t seem to excell at everything all in the same day. There are various permutations. Dinner gets made; toys are everywhere. Floor is crumb-free and laundry done and folded; dinner does not get made and we are low on groceries. Bathroom is cleaned and disinfected, dinner is made, but kitchen floor is wretched from Esme throwing food on it three times per day and bed was never made. Groceries are purchased; mail remains unopened. I make home-made granola bars for Jeff to take as an afternoon snack; dinner is not made. New photos are uploaded to flickr and e-mail checked obsessively, laundry and most of the days dishes are done; all other chores neglected.
Some days, when I feel I’ve worked the hardest, are the very days in which a stranger could enter my home and think someone very lazy lives there.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to communicate here. To make matters worse, my friend and next-door neighbor Manuela is gone for the entire month. It’s only been one day without taking a walk with her and the afternoon today seemed endless. Esme and I were the only people on the playground, even though upwards of eighty families live here. It was lonely, and Esme could feel it too. Maybe I should look for a part-time job. I called the human resources office of a local college (to be unnamed) here today and no one answered. I waited until after lunch hour, and called again. There was no answering machine either. I may not have the heart to try again tomorrow, or I may have the heart, but totally forget.
I’ve been reading the Orthodox lectionary and the demarcation of verses is strange. Why does it sometime begin on verse two, leaving out verse one, when verse one contains essential introductory information? It really doesn’t bother me though. In fact, I like it. I contemplate only what lies between the brackets– brackets that I didn’t decide upon. The stories and words, like the ones written by Paul from prison, are all too familiar, but if I didn’t read them again they would never cross my mind.
I am looking forward to Sunday so that I can hear another sermon by Fr. Bill. They usually involve a message such as: life is too comfortable for you; you have not had enough disappointments and missed opportunities; if you don’t go to church because you love God, then what other reason is there to go to church?; if you don’t come to church because you love God, you should still keep coming; if you don’t know what you’re talking about, then just be quiet; and so forth. He is the first priest I’ve been able to pay attention to for years and I sincerely love his sermons and think about them all week long.
It reminds me of the line from The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock: “And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin, / When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall, / Then how should I begin / To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?”
How shall I begin to spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways? That line passes through my mind a lot. Jeff and I had a coupon for Dairy Queen which I almost threw away a few days ago with the thought that Dairy Queen was not really a part of our enlightened lifestyle. But tonight I talked Jeff into going to get those blizzards. Afterwards we stopped at Martin’s grocery store for toilet paper and I picked up a twelve-pack of La Croix sparkling water, to which I think I am addicted.